Sunday, September 22, 2013

Worst Bollywood Resumes

If some of our actors were to create their CVs, what would they look like and whose would be the worst?

Disclaimer: Resemblance to any character is NOT coincidental. It was written purely to ridicule every character ;-) 

Uday Chopra
Objective: To give my first solo hit.

Activities: From a disastrous solo lead in Neal n Nikki to the not-even-worth-mentioning Pyaar Impossible, I've done it all.

Achievements: Won the Chimpoo Kapoor Award at the Golden Kela Award (for 'No-Talent' Relatives of Celebrities) in 2011.

Next up: Having realized that I can't act, I'm off to UCLA for some film-making gyan. @Rohit Shetty Wait till my debut film smashes your 300-crore record!

Tanisha Mukherjee

: To sign a film. OK! Even an ad film will do.

Activities: Washing utensils, cooking food. In the Big Boss House, ofcourse! What did you think?

Achievements: After a spectacularly embarrassing ride on the big screen, I'm on the Big Boss way. Fifty lakhs is a generous amount, I say.

Next Up: Gearing up for my Thank You speech for BB7. If I do win, I'll be selling soaps and (namak vala) toothpastes on the small screen. I also might just clinch my next Hindi film, opposite Tushaar Kapoor. 

Esha Deol

Objective: I'll let you know when I know.

Activities: Deepika, Katrina and the likes work their asses off, dance at weddings to make money. I found a smarter way. Diamond merchant Bharat Takhtani! 

Achievements: Mere paas He(MA) hai!

Next up: "No Dhoom for me now. I'll only pick roles that suit my married life." (Oh. So you WERE offered Dhoom 3?)

Tusshar Kapoor

Objective: To work with production houses besides Balaji. 

Activities: Tried stepping into my Dad's shoes. Couldn't. So found my own pair and since then, life's been full of despair.

Achievements: I'm almost as old as the number of films I've done. Isn't that a better average than any other actor on this list?

Next Up: Only meaningful roles for me now. Which reminds me, Golmaal 4 is on the way ;-)

Zayed Khan

Objective: He'd said in an interview in 2011 "I will take my career more seriously. Until now I hadn't." (Neither had we, Zayed ;-)

Activities: "Raising kids and managing career." (Although we have our doubts about the latter).

Achievements: Main Hoon Naa was the closest I came to success, sharing screen space with SRK, despite my ugly long blonde tresses raising gender doubts :P

Next Up: After a terrible response from the audiences for my acting (which, I bet, is better than Arjun Rampal), I've decided to open my own production house with Dia Mirza (who by the way, you've missed out in this list). UNFAIR!

This post was also published on Times City.